I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
