I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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