i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
