I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
