my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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