6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
