Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
