He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
