she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
