Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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