So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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