we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Enjoy the penises
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
