**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
