You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
