I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
