if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
