Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
