I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
