We named our party play list daddy issues
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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