the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
it's like iHOP with fire
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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