turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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