so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
