the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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