i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
