She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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