good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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