I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
