I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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