If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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