sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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