drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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