I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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