We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
