God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
