Pappa wants mamma naked
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
