i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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