look no pants
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it's like iHOP with fire
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
