see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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