I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
