Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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