you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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