it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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