Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
