last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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