Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
