the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
