i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
