I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
