Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
