I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
