i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
