She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
