He is such a slut. More and more my type.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
