DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
