saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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