I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
