Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
we're so committed to being not committed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
