We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
