I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
