Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
