just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
